Wild Thing, I Think I Love You — Part One
With the MLB on hiatus, let’s reboot the number one baseball movie of all-time — Major League
America needs another excellent baseball movie, and luckily we have the format — Major League. Thank you, Hollywood, for allowing me to write a film that has already happened. I like it when I don’t have to overthink.
For those of you without a fucking clue, Major League orbited the Cleveland Indians as their evil, sexy, owner plotted a move to the heat of Miami.
The scheme was to put together the worst team Cleveland had ever fucking seen, drive down attendance and, ultimately, flee South.
She (Rachel Phelps) failed because they made the playoffs following a one-game playoff victory against the New York Yankees and THEN — the movie fucking ends.
We have Major League 2, but we need something more, and I’m here to tell you, I have it. Our story begins with the 3rd most pathetic professional New York franchise — the Mets.
The economic disaster of COVID-19 paired with the never-ending stink of Bernie Madoff leads to the New York Mets finding themselves in a position in which they can no longer financially remain in New York as the second-best MLB franchise.
We join the Mets a year after the MLB had to cancel the 2020 season, and, with attendance down due to continued COVID scare, the Yankees are dominating regional and national viewership. There just isn’t room for the Mets anymore.
Ownership plans a course for Charlotte, North Carolina, as they see chinks in the armor of the South’s team and rival, Atlanta Braves, following their move to Cobb County, Georgia.
The only thing that can stop the Met’s from leaving is a division win and a massive bump in ratings. With the Mets media team falling victim to layoffs, it’s up to the players to win and promote their squad to remain in New York.
It’ll be tough to replace Bob Uecker, but we must try. We will mirror the Met’s real-life booth of Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez. We are leaving out Ron Darling for now just to keep this to a two-person box. Sideline man, Steve Gelbs, will appear as an ongoing cut-to as a way to introduce some of the Mets faithful along with mirroring the real-life renaissance of field reporters in MLB telecasts.
Paul Rudd is finally old enough to command a roll like this. His on-screen sense of humor and neuroticism will play perfectly as the head honcho for a team of untapped potential. As a former player and a relatively young manager, Rudd balances analytics and old-school managerial styles with the analytics ultimately tripping up the team early on. When Rudd finally decides to throw analytics to the wayside, the movie truly begins.
Every team needs a veteran in the dawn of their career on a one-year deal. Our’s will be Sam Rockwell. He is currently 51 years old, but he can pull off a late 30s burnout if you ask me. Rockwell struggles as a sub .250 hitter and finishes the season leading the league in hit-by-pitches as he leans into his role as a two-seam magnet.
Big Bat Minor Leaguer
Lakeith Stanfield is your five-tool shortstop with an unlimited ceiling, but he forgot how to field. Following a spell of errors in spring training, Stanfield can’t get out of his head. The problem is, he’s out of minor league options and raking at the plate. An eventual move to second base resets his season on his way to NL Rookie of the Year honors.
Charlie Sheen Reboot
Enter Tom Holland. It might be hard to imagine such a sweet kid in a role made famous by Charlie Sheen’s iconic Wild Thing. However, given his general career arch, he is up for a rebrand. Holland can leap into adult-themed starring roles with something extremely edgy. I want to avoid a real romantic tangent, but we’re going to cast Kiernan Shipka as his fed-up love interest. She’ll remind our audience how much of a loser Holland is off the field.
A Real Yoenis Cespedes Type
O’Shea Jackson Jr. seems to fit the physical build of the real-life Cespedes. That’s not the only thing the two have in common. Jackson’s character hasn’t played for years after becoming the most highly paid Met of the modern era. Finally healthy, the Mets big right-fielder has a lot to prove heading into a contract year.
Let’s lean on real-life former major leaguer, Ryan Howard. Not much for acting chops outside of his Subway commercials and a brief cameo on The Office, but nothing will make Mets fans more upset than a former Philadelphia Phillie trying to move their team out of New York.
I’ll be back Thursday with Part Two: The Plot Thickens. Let me know what you think about our casting job. Plenty of parts to fill and happy to hear any recommendations.